I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
