I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
