I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
