Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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