she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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