Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
