Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
