hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
