I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
