My boss' voice literally gives me gas
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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