I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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