First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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