worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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