ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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