fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
