He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
