Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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