there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize