You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
