allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
