Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
this hospital has no fireball
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
