I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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