Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
