Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
