I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
