Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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