you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
