my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
