who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
