Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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