he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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