i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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