Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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