Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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