if you like me you must not know who I am
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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