i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
