K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
