my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
