matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
porn star boner night. come get it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
