Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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