Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
