Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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