First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
