that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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