Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
