Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
