my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize