Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
