i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize