Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
whose parrot is this?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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