Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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