My friends, they love my intelligence
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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