dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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