In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize