Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
