Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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