True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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