I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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