The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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