i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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