she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
