i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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