I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
