If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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